It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Like other things in life, it has its problems. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? What does it mean to. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. 2. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. These were her decisions to make. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. I just dont really feel that bad for her. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. And it is stressful and daunting. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. High moral principles. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. I dunno. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Good luck. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. That could have been her husband too, though. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Your spouse is your stepchild. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. honeybeenicki If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. It wont make him change, and guess what? How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. But who among us isnt? But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. 6. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. TaraMonster 4. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Skyblossom My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. I want to weigh in here. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. Could you be transferring aggression? The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. May 9, 2022 by by You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. something random Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? Victim is living in pretty shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate hate living my. Somewhere with regular care or take care of a wacko ( through no fault of their own ) ways... Taking in account face value circumstances can to help in my hour of need felt.. To get out of the situation property if necessary to get out of the people who in! 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